The last 5 days have been a blur, flying out of state Wednesday for Thanksgiving with family Thursday, then Friday filled with funeral gatherings for my aunt. In the rush, I let myself get swept up in days of family activities and skipped my sits and missed some readings, but I pushed myself to do other readings even though I was exhausted and didn’t “feel like it”, because if I want to be different, I have to do differently. I find the more fidelity I keep to the exercises, the more their power and momentum stays built up, so I pushed myself!
I realized a lot about myself these past few days. My cousin has terminal cancer and shared her learning from a meditation class with a highly trained instructor who said there was nothing else in this world as powerful as being in the presence of an enlightened being. She said that he described an enlightened being as someone who sees the good in everyone, kind and caring, doesn’t judge, can’t stand to see anyone hurting and reaches out to help or console them, works to bring peace to every situation, and generous with others, caring deeply. She said that perfectly described her 13 year old grandson, and I remembered the way he put his hand on my shoulder as I was crying during the funeral, and it touched me.
I caught my breath, because I realized that who she was describing used to be me, too! I had the deepest love for people and animals, helped all, stood up for people and causes even if it meant going against the crowd, saw the good in everyone and never gave up on anyone, an idealist. Being around family these last few days, I am disappointed to say I found myself being gossipy and critical, even when I could hear the Og scroll in my head saying “Never do I scratch for excuses to gossip. When I am tempted to criticize, I bite on my tongue.” Well, I wish I would have bitten my tongue WAY harder so then maybe I also would have “cherished my body with cleanliness and moderation” and stopped before I ate 4+ pieces of pumpkin pie and 6 corn dogs in one sitting (I didn’t just fall off the healthy choices wagon…I burned it!)!
I realized that, very gradually over the past 6 years, through the hurt and humiliation of being badly taken advantage of by people I cared deeply
about and overextended myself to help, and seeing many bad things in my professions, I became jaded, guarded, cynical, fearful, and judgmental. I started thinking, “What’s in it for me?” or “What’s the risk?” rather than what I used to think, “What can I do for them?” or “What are the possibilities?” Little by little, to protect myself from hurt, I built a wall around all that used to be my enlightenment, looking at the world through narrow, guarded eyes, rather than bright eyes filled with light.
But…the happy ending…..I am SO HAPPY to have this awareness now, because it helped me have the revelation that I AM THE LIGHT with a dusting of soot I’ve allowed to accumulate on top rather than a pile of soot with light shining on it, and since I am responsible for letting that layer of soot accumulate and dull me, I am ALSO be responsible for choosing to let my light shine! How awesome to remember and visualize that my core is brilliant light, and all I have to do is keep working hard with fidelity to the Master Keys coursework to dust myself off and shine again, even brighter than before! My old blueprint is fighting hard with some of these negative thoughts, but I realize that that’s ok because it means I am winning the battle!
My new awareness is the first step towards making changes back to the ME I was, actually, even better, to the ME I INTEND TO BE!