Week 9.5 – Smack!

I realized through this awareness I received this week about building a guarded wall around my enlightenment, that I have still been struggling with the Law of Forgiveness, and it has been holding me back.  Last night was the first night I read the Week 9 Master Key, along with the affirmation, “I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy.”  Something about it struck me, and I read it several times,

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This is a tough thing to say because I was raised to be humble, but we learned this week that by being brilliant, we help others let their brilliance shine!  So I am me, and me is perfect!

and felt more peaceful afterwards.  Then, while trying to do my first sit with the flower exercise, I realized my thoughts were all over the place and I wasn’t able to maintain focus on the flower.  I decided to listen to myself and focus on really digging deeper into my awareness that I got about the resentments, and focus on building growth in myself in the Law of Forgiveness by using the Law of Substitution.

I thought about all the people who I’d been holding resentments and disappointments against, and I came up with as many reasons to love and applaud them as I could and repeated them to myself many times.  It was really hard to do with some people, but I eventually found reasons for all!

I didn’t even realize it until I spent this sit, focusing on intentionally substituting resentment and disappointment for love and applause, that once I went through all the people who’d hurt me that I could think of, there was still resentment and cynicism inside me.  Who else was left???  And I realized, it was me!  Unexpectedly, I realized that the biggest resentment and disappointment I had been holding was against MYSELF!  I resented myself for allowing myself to trust and help people who took advantage of me.  I was angry at myself for considering myself an intelligent person but allowing myself to look like a fool because I believed the best in people.  I felt like I’d been smacked upside the head!

loveselfI decided to use the same Law of Forgiveness and Law of Substitution on myself and tell myself that I loved myself for caring about people, trusting people, treating people with kindness, reaching out to people, believing in the good in people, not giving up on people, helping people.  I didn’t resent myself for those things, I loved myself for them!  And I have to love myself first!

Wow.  It was so incredibly powerful.  Once I told myself over and over that I loved myself for all those things, I kept repeating the affirmation, “I am me, and I am light”, working on pushing out the darkness of the resentments I have held.  I felt so free afterwards!  I felt so much more connected to my light again!

At my aunt’s funeral, the priest kept saying, “Life is mixed, but we are blessed” over and over, meaning life is going to have its ups and downs, but we are always blessed to have our experiences and our light.  Though I am not religious, I consider myself blessed that at my core, I am a loving, caring, open-hearted person.  My life will be mixed from that, meaning most times, I will experience wonderful things from my light mixing with others, and occasionally, I will be hurt because I allowed myself to be vulnerable, but I am blessed that my heart wants to be open.  This course is helping me learn how to dust my heart off and open it up again, for this is where my true power to make a difference in this world lies.

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